I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
