There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
