Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
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