remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Randomize
