Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
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