If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
