I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize