just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
