I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Too much gin, very little bucket
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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