so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
