Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
