Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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