wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
