"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
