A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
