There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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