Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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