I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Randomize
