I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
