overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
