I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
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