I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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