everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
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