Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
