It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
