I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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