I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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