I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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