3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
