Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
