You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
