I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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