You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
