I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
