There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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