i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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