Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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