Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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