Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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