Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
