No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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