I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
