I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
You took a bar mat shot.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
