You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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