The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
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