If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize
