i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
