A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
