i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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