Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
why do cheetos always look like penises
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Randomize
