I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
