i just wanna soil my oats bro
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
