Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
